Homunculi Family Trip: What happens in Dublith, stays in Dublith
by MissisElric
Summary: Summary: A oneshot about Father and six of his seven 'beloved' children. Totally out of the blue, Father one day assembles six of his seven descendants – which happen to increasingly ignore him and the meaning of team spirit lately – to suggest something they never would have thought of: Going on a family trip. Collective rejection as well as trouble are sure to follow...


_Summary: A oneshot about Father and six of his seven ''beloved'' children. Totally out of the blue, Father one day assembles six of his seven descendants – which happen to increasingly ignore him and the meaning of team spirit lately – to suggest something they never would have thought of: Going on a family trip. Collective rejection as well as trouble are sure to follow..._

 **disclaimer: poor me doesn't own FMA .  
**

 **about the story: this is chiefly meant for entertainment and pls feel free to review it *.***

Homunculi Family Trip: What happens in Dublith, stays in Dublith

It is a hot and lazy summer day in Central. The streets of the capital are quiet vivid and the citizens are in a good temper. Father's mood, on the other hand, hits rock bottom. Not is he only bored but also worried about six of his seven descendants. Lately, all of them except for Sloth don't get many orders from their master which is why they've unwittingly started to give of themselves to other activies than destroying the country of Amestris:

These days, Pride and Wrath seem to enjoy their sweet ''play-house'' a little too much for Father's liking. Greed and Lust however prefer to hang out with some random humans they additionally spend the night with. Only Envy and Gluttony stay true to their personalities: One of them daily comes up with a new plan to tease the Fullmetal Alchemist whereas the other one searches for any type of garbage to satisfy his neverending famine.

Either way: Father does not like at all where this is going. Willing to prevent his children from jeopardising the entire plan due to their lack of team spirit, he figures something out which he intends to share with Pride and his younger siblings. Like every time, the meeting takes place in the underground. With expectant miens the six of them rally around Father's throne and wait for the big news. ,,I hope that this will be about the Fullmetal Pipsqueak!", Envy chuckles in excitement. ,,Look at that. Little Envy falls for the enemy", Greed baits him with an emotionsles expression. ,,Shut the fuck up or I'll make you!", Envy threatens him, eyes red and the body about to get covered by red flashes. Greed's only answer is an indifferent shrug, both hands stuck in his pockets.

,,Envy. Please watch your mouth, son", Father gently reprimands. All of a sudden the red flashes vanish completely. The master now gets the full attention of everyone. ,,Well, my children. The reason for our get-together is actually not exactly work-related..." ,,Then what is this about, Paps?", Greed asks, his undertone quiet lacking in enthusiasm. ,,I'm glad, you ask! Since there is not so much work to do these days, I thought that it'd be nice if the six of you took a day off and spend some time with me outside of our accommodation."

While Gluttony gazes into space, sucking his thumb, his siblings share a look of astonishment and confusion. Eventually it's Greed who breaks the awkward silence: ,,Are you actually proposing that we go on a _family trip_?" Before Father gets the chance to answer, Envy jumps to his feet, protesting: ,,Count me out! There is no way, I'm going to participate in such a... _human_ thing!" ,,Who'da thunk it? I share the same opinion as our little monster", Greed murmurs mystifyingly. Before Father gets the possibility to intervene, Pride gives his brothers a telling-off: ,,How dare you two striking such a combative tone towards our creator, huh?"

,,It's easy for you to talk! Other than us, you and Wrath are used to that kind of _charade_!", Greed retorts. With a teasing look in Envy's direction, he adds: ,,Besides, Envy's eccentric look is definitely not intended for public consumption." ,,And so isn't your _manly scent_ ", Envy retorts nonchalantly, arms crossed. While the others role their eyes about that neverending story between those two, Wrath decides to stick to the actual discussion: ,,What I'm worried about is that we'd never manage to lead the citizens of Amestris to believe that we are a family. In case I should be recognised, I wouldn't know what to tell the others."

,,You could tell them that you were working on a charity project and that we were your social problem cases!", Greed suggests sarcastically. ,,And they would totally buy it thanks to your savagery", Envy needles him. ,,Well, that's it!", Father suddenly announces, enthusiastically adding: ,,For one day, you will serve as the family patriarch, Wrath! Pride will stick to his identity as Selim, I'm going to play-act your old war comrade and Lust and Greed could be my children." ,,What about Gluttony and Envy then?", Lust asks. ,,Envy could shapeshift into a dog and be our little, precious pet!", Greed suggests, still not lacking in sarcasm. ,,Or I could play your mother who tries to discipline you with a baton!", Envy snorts. ,,Urgh. Just don't expect me to send you a card for Mother's Day!", Greed retorts. ,,One word, Greed – _baton_!", Envy hisses through his teeth. ,,Hm, you look so sexy when you threaten me, little monster!"

,,Enough!", Father commands, clapping his hands and ignoring his other children's disturbed faces. Reluctantly both of them obey. Once again Lust brings up the _Gluttony-Problem_ : ,,I'm afraid, Gluttony doesn't look human, at all. Perhaps we should leave him out of that." Gracefully Father walks towards the stone, Gluttony is taking a bite out of. Embracing his chin, Father examines his busy son. He then comes up with the following solution: ,,That shouldn't be a problem. We just need a proper costume. And I think, I know what kind of costume that would be..." The other's only reaction to Father's conspiratorial grin is an overchallenged mien. Right now, they assume the worst. Only Gluttony is still mentally absent. After all he needs to focuse on his rocky dinner...

,,At the risk of sounding disrespectful, I just feel the urge to state that Paps must have lost it completely", Greed yawns the next morning when the four of them meet at a deserted parking lot. To adjust himself to the heat while staying in character, he put on black Bermuda shorts, an undershirt with a print on it that says _„thug life"_ and also his sunglasses. Lust, on the other hand, wears a white summer dress that provides her usually seductive appearance with _girlishness_. Wrath and Pride however look like a father-son-golfing-duo.

,,Cut the crap, Greed", Lust groans, watching her long and pointed nails. ,,Be more sympathetic with him. From what he's told me, he is only trying to stabilise the team spirit in our group", Wrath reveals. ,,Oooh, the pet child has spoken", Greed hisses. ,,Watch your mouth!", Pride commands but Greed wouldn't obey: ,,Sorry, boss, but I can't take you seriously while you're looking like a little white Tiger Woods!"

Their lovely crosstalk suddenly gets interrupted by the sound of a horn which announces the arrival of a colourful Van. The driver is a handsome teenage guy who is also wearing Bermuda shorts, and additionally a black and white striped t-shirt as well as a stylish summer hat. ,,Too bad. I hoped, Envy would reconsider my pet-idea", Greed sarcastically pouts. But instead of him, Father catches everyone's attention as he exits the Van, wearing a yellow Hawaiian shirt, light blue Bermuda shorts and neon-coloured flip-flops. His snow white thatch is covered by a straw hat and his eyes by black glasses. The gang is speechless.

But Father wouldn't allow them to drag him down. Cheerfully he warbles: ,,May I introduce my old, Ishvalan granny Pinako to you?" Before anyone can solve the riddle, he suddenly opens the Van's backdoor and presents Gluttony who is wearing a beige burqa. Again a flabbergasted look on behalf of the four sins. Once again it is Greed who puts an end to the awkward silence: ,,Now you see what I mean?" Nobody answers him. But in secrecy they share his opinion about Father at that moment...

After having more or less successfully squashed into the Van the road trip begins. As been said by Father, Wrath handles the organisation stuff. For this purpose he holds a blue clipboard in his grip, perusing a to-do-list he's accurately prepared: ,,Pride and I will stick to our common identities! Lust, you will go by the name Solaris, Greed your name will be Ling and Father, you are going to be called Theophrastus Bombastus!" Greed almost splutters his coke. ,,I wanna be called Edward!", Envy announces from the driver's seat. ,,Fine with me", Wrath grunts before continuing his task: ,,Lust, you must have an eye on Gluttony! The car boot is filled with furnitures and murdered prostitutes and street persons to feed him."

,,You're welcome!", Envy, the proud murderer, warbles while focusing on the traffic. ,,Brothers and sisters, I strictly command you to behave dutifully in public! Don't forget that I'm officially the country's leader!", Wrath remembers whereupon all heads turn to Greed. With a goody-goody look on his face, Greed asks: ,,Why are you looking at me? I ain't the psychopathic sadist of the group!" Automatically all heads turn in the driver's direction next. As if Envy senses the six pairs of red eyes fixing his neck, he rolls his violet ones. Almost in a pleading tone, his father rises to speak: ,,Please, my son. Just try to contain yourself! And I promise, that you'll have the opportunity to torture everyone you like, the moment we arrive in Central!" ,,Sounds fair", Envy chuckles.

,,Fine!", Father announces, regaining his cheerful undertone. ,,Now that we've cleared the rules up, let's switch into the holiday-modus vivendi! Wrath, please turn on the radio!" ,,The radio doesn't work, Father!" ,,Right, now I remember. The renter told me, that one of his old cassettes is stuck in there. Never mind. Let's just listen to it then! _Placet experiri_ , huh?" ,,Hell no", Greed murmurs scarcely audible. But Father wouldn't care anyway. Right now, his disconcerting excessively good mood seems unbreakable as Greed's shield...

The following hours turn out to be a living hell for all of them: ,,And now the gentlemen, please!", Father warbles jolly, clapping his hands and joining the chorus of the only song, their cassette volunteers. Too unmotivated for Father's liking, they grumble the lyrics. Only Pride's high-pitched voice and Father's bright whistling add a vivid note to the whole boom: _,,The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round!"_ ,,And now the hermaphrodites among us! Hey, Envy! I'm talking to you!", Father teases his son. He then casts an expectant glance at the others, asking amusedly: ,,Got it? I called him a hermaphrodite because of... You know! Funny, isn't it, kids?" ,,And how!", the group assures insincerely.

Greed doesn't answer since he is too busy with laughing about his Father's joke for the first time in his long life. ,,Absolutely, Father. Now, we've learned that you're not only a talented musician but also a potential comedian!", Envy lies through his teeth. And this is when Father opens a new chapter. After having tortured his children by forcing them to sing until the cassette broke, he rings in a comedy hour. Most of his gags being on his children's charge, mainly inspired by those so-called ''yo mama''-jokes: ,, _Yo brother Gluttony is so fat that everytime you smack his butt, you can ride the waves! …_ Hey, Pride! _Yo mama is so dumb, she tried putting M &M's in an alphabetical order! … _Hey, Envy! How can you even drive this car, while you're weighing a ton, huh? … Why does Wrath wear an eyepatch? Because his name is Wrrrrath!" ,,Is it only me or do you also wish that the cassette would never have broken?", Envy asks his co-driver Wrath in a whisper...

The situation heats up when they finally arrive at the _Dublith Inn***_ , a decent but not all that luxurious hotel. ,,In a million years, I won't share a room with that horny bastard!", Envy gets straight. ,,Fine with me! I can also sleep under a bridge which will be as comfortable as this _so-called hotel_!", the greedy sibling groans. ,,Come on, kids! We don't sleep anyway! Besides, there is only one single bedroom left and you can't seriously expect me to share a room with one of you! I am the family patriarch after all!"

,,But Father...!", Envy starts, when he gets interrupted by his father: ,,Alright then, let's make a compromise! You two will share a room and in exchange you may spend this day howsoever you want! Deal?" ,,Fine", Envy and Greed grunt after a short while of silence. ,,Great. See you at dinner! And be warned! The schedule will be full until tomorrow night, when we head back to Central!" ,,Does it include collective suicide?", Envy asks more to himself than to any other. Greed's mood, on the other hand, is suddenly getting better when he spots a bunch of young girls chilling around the small hotel pool.

But he is not the only one whose attention they catch: ,,May I eat them?" ,,No, Gluttony! But you may eat the cadavers in the car boot, instead!", Father authorises. ,,But... I've already eaten them...", Gluttony confesses, a thumb in his mouth. With an exhausted expression, Father pushes two fingers against his temple. ,,Lust... I mean... Solaris! Would you mind escorting Gluttony to the red light quarter?" ,,Of course, she wouldn't. She fits there perfectly. And if the girls here weren't that _nice_ , I would accompany them. On this occasion, Envy finally could lose his virginity!" After Greed has successfully insulted two siblings at one dash, he gets shoved into the pool by both of them. Nobody blames them...

While Lust and Gluttony search for helpless women who could serve as a meal for the latter one, Father takes a walk through the city with his oldest and youngest sons who pretend to buy souvenirs for the missis in Central. ,,With all due respect, Father. But if you ask me, it would be for the best to abandon one of those two. Preferentially Greed. Otherwise the team spirit will be jeopardised for good", Pride not so humbly explains to his creator. Instead of answering directly to what he's been suggested, Father points a finger at one of the necklaces. ,,That would look great on your wife! At least, it'd leave the impression, that you're a romantic!" Discreetly Wrath and Pride share a look.

Suddenly they get interrupted by a middle-aged woman with brown dreads and a black dress: ,,Mr. Hohenheim? Is it really you?" Father raises an eyebrow and scrutinizes the unfamiliar woman. ,,It's me, Mrs Curtis! Oh... Please, excuse me! I've mistaken you for another man!" ,,Oh please, young lady, you don't have to be sorry!", Father reassures gently. Izumi Curtis nods, still confused. ,,Isn't she...?", Pride asks his youngest brother in a whisper. ,,Yes, that's exactly her. But I can't get rid of the feeling that Father doesn't bother for tonight." ,,I see..." ,,What are you two whispering?", Father asks them after he's wished the stranger a nice evening. ,,Nothing!", Pride and Wrath lie in unison...

Meanwhile, at the hotel, Envy is about to die of boredom. Therefore he spontaneously decides to go out for a walk. When he passes the pool, where Greed is enthusiastically flirting with the girls, he notices how unashamedly they examine him in his handsome teenage guy-form. Even though, Envy is quiet amused by Greed's jealous look at that moment, he simultaneously is disgusted: _,,Stupid human girls. Don't you even dare look at me like I am a piece of meat. I'm by far not that lowbrow like that bastard."_ ,,Hey, there! Don't cha wanna join us?", one of the girls suddenly asks him with a coquettish look in here eyes.

Obviously irritated, Greed rolls his eyes and mischievously snorts: ,,Just leave this oddball to its own devices." For the first time in his life, Envy is appreciating Greed's egocentrism. ,,Well, you heard him, humans... äh... ladys!" With that said, Envy takes to his heels. And for the first time, Greed is appreciating his misanthropy...

During dinner Father keeps up his happy-mask: ,,Isn't it delicious?" ,,Honest, or _seventh-heaven-answer_?", Envy asks sarcastically. ,,Don't listen to him! It's a culinary delight!", Pride asserts. Suddenly a strange woman catches their attention by petting his head and raving: ,,Look at that young gentleman! How lovely and well-behaved!" Within seconds, Pride turns into sweetheart Selim Bradley, answering: ,,You're too nice, Miss! If you allow me to introduce myself! My name is Selim!" ,,It's a pleasure to meet you, Selim!", the woman giggles, shaking his hand. ,,Whose son is he?", she then asks. ,,He's my boy!", Father and Wrath answer in unison. Noticing all the strange looks on behalf of his children, Father immediately adds: ,,Well, he is his son but I'm his godfather."

Just when the woman regains her smile, Gluttony joins in the conversation: ,,May I eat you?" ,,Excuse me?", the stranger asks with a thunderstruck mien. This time it's Greed who remedies the situation: ,,Oh, please excuse our granny. She is a little senile, you know? And she still suffers from the traumatic experiences during the Ishavalan War!" And this is when the strange woman suddenly feels guilty. Therefore she apologises and after a few more friendly exchanges of words, she disappears among the crowd. The gang sighs with relief.

But suddenly Envy bursts into nasty laughter. ,,What the hell is wrong with you?", Lust asks in her characteristic, seductive voice. ,,It's just the situation. I could swear, when you two stated that Pride was your son, that woman considered you to be a gay couple!", Envy chuckles. ,,Please, son. That's quiet low down, don't you think?", Father gently reprimands him. ,,Come on, don't be so old-fashioned! Actually, it's quiet funny!", Greed then admits before he also starts laughing. ,,At least, you two share one opinion for once in your life", Pride hisses. ,,You weren't bad, either! _You're too nice, Miss! Blah, Blah, Blah!_ ", Envy parrots him. ,,I'm not sounding like that, at all!", Pride declares sulky.

,,Yes, you are!", Greed, Envy, Lust and even Wrath answer in unison. ,,Not you, too", hisses Pride in Wrath's direction, whereupon his fake-father tries to apologise appropiately: ,,Excuse me, brother... son..." Almost inaudibly, he adds: ,,Whatever fuck." The others are shocked. ,,Jeez, did you just hear, what I've heard? Pet child has actually sworn!", Greed announces – half perplex, half amused. ,,That's all your fault! You're no good influence!", Wrath justifies himself, pointing at him, Envy and Lust which makes the three of them chuckle. ,,Come on! Don't be always so narrow-minded!", Lust warbles, slurping her _vin blanc_ recklessly.

,,I'm not, okay? I'm even married!", Wrath remembers, still serious. This time it's Pride of all people who joins the badinage: ,,Please, don't remind me! Even though we live in a mansion, you just freakin' gave me the bedroom beneath yours! And that is why I baptise you for the greatest sadist in our group! And that should mean something, since Envy sort of started a civil war!" Collective laughter follows. Only Father and Wrath remain silent. ,,Oh come on! Stupid humans were the ones to conduct it!", Envy remarks. This time the youngest member of the group also can't restrain a laughter. Father, on the other hand, discreetly smiles when witnessing that _abnormally_ harmonic setting...

The next day, everything is back to normal – in other words to _not-so-harmonic_ : When Envy enters his room after having spent the night with searching possible victims for his hungry brother, he suddenly startles when he discovers not only one, not two, but three women in his other insatiable brother's bed. ,,What the...? Hey, get the fuck out of my room!", he snaps at them. ,,Gosh! Boy you scared the hell out of me!", one of the girls snaps back. ,,Why don't you just join us instead of being bitchy, huh?" Envy doesn't even bother to answer them. Instead he reprimands his brother: ,,Get them out of here or I'll inform our Granny, if you get, what I mean!" Reluctantly Greed surrenders: ,,Sorry, girls. Viriginy issues. Just get out for your own sake." Finally the three of them obey, glancing viciously at Envy who doesn't even care...

Father hasn't overstated a bit, when he promised them a full programme. First of all he forces the group to picnic on a hill. To climb it, he rented bicycles. While Gluttony's bicycle broke under his weight, Pride isn't able to muster up the physical strength to go uphill which is why he accidentally rolls back, causing his siblings except for Wrath to chuckle. Finally they decide to walk. When Envy shapeshifts into a bird to disburden himself, Father becomes angry. ,,I can spare alchemy, so you can spare shapeshifting!" ,,Yes, Father", Envy grunts with false sense of guilt.

After the picnic, which turned out to be lunch and not breakfast due to temporal delays, Father takes them to the famous South Park, where they rent rowing boats. ,,Don't be so _slothy_! Just move that damned stick, Greed!", Envy, who has been paired again with Greed, demands impatiently. ,,Hey, don't hit on me, boy. You can spare that for the night time. And by the way – right now, I wish, I'd be Sloth", Greed sarcastically retorts, a cigarette burning in the corner of his mouth. ,,Hey, how are you doing?", Father suddenly asks behind them. Right now, he is encircled by all the three boats. Theatrically Lust points at Gluttony with her fan and sarcastically answers: ,,Could be better. At the moment, I'm hoping that Gluttony will drink the water of the sea, once he has finished eating the boat and making the two of us keeling over. Otherwise I'm going to drown." ,,Don't be so silly. Fire is poses a much greater danger than water!", Father asserts.

The not-so-funny day goes on until the six of them finally end up in the hotel's indoor-whirlpool. All of them covered in red flashes due to the countless injuries they've received after all of Father's proposed activities. ,,The nightmare is almost over. Just hold on for a few more hours and then we'll finally return to Central!", Greed announces exhausted. ,,I hate to admit it but I really miss my _so-called mother_ after those days", Pride confesses. ,,It's okay. Even I miss your mother", Envy interposes sarcastically. Afterwards it's Greed's turn to confess: ,,I also hate to admit it but one part of me sort of like Dublith!" ,,Yeah, which one, is the question", Envy sarcastically murmurs.

,,And I for one don't consider all of those activities, Father had planned for us, to be silly!", Wrath concedes. ,,Oh, really? Which one did you _not_ hate?", Envy asks, stretching his body. ,,The rowing boats were quiet nice", Wrath begins. ,,Yeah, until that freakin' Palm Tree intentionally hit me with one of those sticks!", Greed hisses. ,,The golfing was also okay. For a human freetime activity, of course", Pride interposes. ,,Yeah, until that freakin' chain-smoker intentionally hit me with one of those sticks!", Envy hisses this time. ,,What about the ball game?", Lust asks this time. ,,Well, that one indeed ended up as a _ball_ game", Greed complains this time.

,,Gosh, you always have to complain about everything! And yet Father tries his best to make you two bitches happy!", Lust suddenly reprimands the two guys. ,,Hey, it's my goddamned right to complain, okay? After all nobody here is happy with the situation!", Greed retorts. ,,Well I am absolutely fine with it!", Pride emphasises. ,,And so am I!", Wrath states. ,,Me, either!", Lust concedes. ,,Happy, hungry, happy!", Gluttony whimpers. The other two siblings share a surprised look. ,,You four gotta be kidding me!", Greed then alleges. ,,Not at all!", the three of them answer in unison. ,,Don't you get it? You two are the only ones who compromise the team spirit and in doing so, jeopardise our plan!", Pride yells at them. Wrath and Lust nod affirmatively. Father however who has unintentionally overheard the whole conversation comments on that with a thoughtful mien. And so do the two new outsiders of the group...

The return trip passes off silently at first. But it's an almost shrieking silence. Mainly it screeches ''guilt trip''. That becomes even more obvious when Greed and Envy of all people try to create a jolly atmosphere. ,,Hey, guys! What about more 'yo mama'-jokes?", the Ultimate Shield eventually proposes. ,,Getting old", Pride yawns. ,,Then what about hangman with the names of all of our victims?", Envy then suggests. ,,I'd prefere reading that book about alkahestry. And you for one should focus on the traffic!", Pride advises him in a condescending tone. ,,Good idea. I will use the time to go trough my paper work!", Wrath announces. ,,I'm going to polish my spears!", Lust interposes. Discreetly Greed and Envy share a look. But finally they give in.

The inconvenient silence continues. Until the radio turns over again all at once, so that the same song starts to play. At first, the six siblings startle. But suddenly Greed joins the chorus: _,,The wheels of the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round..."_ Nobody reacts right away. But then he unexpectedly exclaims: ,,Now our gay couple, please!" Again no reaction. Finally Envy is the one to laugh first, followed by Gluttony, Lust, Pride and lastly by Wrath and Father. As if they've synchronised with each other, Father and Wrath suddenly join the chorus, as Greed has commanded.

 _,,And now our well-behaved nestling!",_ Envy exclaims, parroting Selim's high-pitched voice. Indeed Pride puts his book aside and starts singing. ,,Wrrrrrath! Once again you, please!", Greed asks amusedly. ,,Why the fuck not!", Wrath swears and sings once again. ,,Now you, senile Granny!", he then demands, whereupon it is Gluttony's turn to sing. ,,And now all together!", Father, who's just regained his cheerful attitude, exclaims. Nobody is protesting. As a consequence all of them become hoarse when they finally arrive in Central. But secretly none of them regret anything. Father who is thoroughly a kind reader glorifies their family trip by using one of those horrible family pictures, they took in Dublith, as a bookmark. However he would that sort of sentimental action of his always keep a secret, if one of his children or another person should ever ask him about it...


End file.
